From the desk of J.P. Marvel...
As he would later write in his memoirs, Maj. Gen Stanley Wolf was on a 1929 Everglade fishing expedition with his dear and handsome friend, Professor JP Marvel, when alligator leapt from the waters and tried to devour them both. The major jumped into the swamp and wrestled the alligator unconscious before binding him and dragging it into their pontoon boat. He wrote of the sheer strength and beauty of the creature and how he wanted to take it with him to Plancovania so that all of Rose Lake's guests could enjoy it's majesty.
Not true," I explained to the Gazette in a 1940 interview. We were up late drinking one night and decided to go for a swim in my pool. Stanley jumped in the water without looking only to come face to face with a giant alligator that had wandered in through the open gate. After I was able to get the Major back down from my roof, we called animal control and they offered to capture the gator and release it back to the wild for $500. "That is robbery!" declared Stanley. "At that price I should just put the damn thing in a cage and charge admission!"
The alligator was shipped to Plancovania the next day and the Major began drawing up plans for Peepsburgh's first zoo.
"I don't even know where he eventually found some saltwater crocodiles," I said. "But on opening day that zoo had one animal: A Florida alligator." So, we posted his portrait over the exhibit''
I present to you THE Major General Stanley Wolf of Peepsburgh and Greater Plancovania in all his glory.
"Stop saying ''in ALL his glory," the Major scolded me. "I'm wearing clothes for Christ's sake."
More from Marvels Journals....
As a surprise to no one, the Major General was very hands-on during the design and construction of his new reptile house. Some of the construction workers noted that he was a little too hands on. "Make it bigger! Make it grander! It might be a house for snakes, but I want to be able to hold my balls in here!"
"But we're already refurbishing the Bruin for your balls sir. Why would you want to hold them here as well?" asked the foreman.
Silly man! What kind of man hasn't always wanted to hold two balls at once? And why are you snickering?"
Well... the MG always liked playing with his snake too... and I guess other people's snakes too.
Wait, did he mean dances? What are we talking about?
The MG returned to check on the new chandelier at the reptile house, only to find all of the workers running around in circles with their arms flailing in the air, screaming loudly. "What on earth is going on here?" demanded the Major.
"You said you wanted your portrait to be surrounded by hysteria," explained the foreman.
The major slapped his forehead. "WISTERIA. I wanted wisteria."
And you folks wonder why I drink...
One afternoon, Raoul, The MG's private secretary, was on Lady Agnes babysitting duty. He was not amused but, if the MG said jump, you asked how high. He would take her to the Zoo. Perhaps the animals would entertain her. As they approached the Penguin Pool, Agnes became entranced. Raoul thought this would be a good teaching moment for her. He but looked away for a second, only to find her not by his side, but IN the pool with the birds. Aghast, he summoned a keeper. "Get her out of there, Sir Reginald will have my head." The Keeper shook his head. "No worries, she is in there ALL the time. The birds love her. Just don't let her eat the smelt, it upsets her tummy."
The zoo didn't make a lot of money in the first year, what with only having a reptile house and nothing else. But the Major General did garner some attention in the press via his efforts to "save" a wayward Florida alligator, and it wasn't long before someone stepped forward to offer a pair of Cuvier's Dwarf Caiman's. "I thought they would make good house pets," said the donor. "I was wrong about that." The MG did think they were adorable, and agreed to take them in.
I was baffled by this. "I really thought you hated reptiles, given the volume of your screams from my roof. Wherever will you keep these things?"
The MG only needed a moment to ponder it. "We don't really need that ballroom in the basement. "Holding two balls at once doesn't really seem all that important anymore. And that swimming pool that I put in for parties doesn't really make a lot of sense given that will NOT be seen in a swimsuit these days."
Whatever the Major wants the Major gets...
The MG researched the new species and determined that they liked to inhabit the dark swamps of South America, which makes one wonder how 2 of them ended up as house pets for some hillbilly in Plancovania. Their unique needs were accommodated, and the entire basement pool was converted for them. As fate would have it, the Caiman's were one of each gender, and within a month of being released into their new home the zoo ended up with a total of 6 of them.
"I'm not going down those steps to the lower level anymore," I was sure I would be eaten alive.
"Me either," declared one of the zookeepers as he turned in his notice.
With this latest endeavor, Major Wolf brings Florida swamps to Plancovania" read the headline in the Peepsburgh Gazette.
"How very dare they!" declared Wolf.
"I agree," I said, "This is no swamp. You built a very elegant and beautiful alligator garden."
"Oh no, it's totally a swamp. I mean, how dare they call me 'Major Wolf.' I am a Major GENERAL!"
There was that time, when the peacocks started to disappear....
"You were running out of feathers to make hats with, weren't you?" asked Wolf.
"Shhh! Don't tell Fishington. Don't tell him about all this travertine tile either. It wasn't in the budget."
"Ponty, are you mad? Everyone knows children will urinate in that pool. They are disgusting vessels of sweat and mucus. Is there a restroom or bathhouse nearby? Otherwise, our custodians will be fishing excrement logs from that pool. Best to make it a decorative pool, then a public bath. It's a beautiful space, good sir, why desecrate it with the unwashed masses."
"And if course, the peafowl will chase everyone anyway, so someone is bound to fall in"
"No one asked your opinion MG, just if you thought it was amazing" I then set the peafowl to chase the MG down the hill....
It was a case of mistaken accent identity, that's all...
It's very impressive," said the MG. "But did we really need two of them, for a zoo this small?"
I smirked, "You'll have to ask your friend Money Pants,"
"Money Pants?"
"You know, Downtowntowntontontontont---"
"That is NOT how you say his name, and you know it!"
"I most certainly do not know it. Do I look like I speak Australian?"
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